I've been trying to get a job all this time. Yes, ALL SUMMER. all this time you haven't heard from me. I've been in my house, trying to not be in my house.
Some quick life updates before I go into what I want to talk about today:
1- my wrist is all better now. No more therapy, no more doctor visits. yay!
2- my birthday came and went, nothing special. I'm 22 now. woah.
Okay then. First, silence. I know I've been silent, no blogging etc. I haven't had much to say, really. And that's very sad. I'm usually a relatively talkative person, it's weird for me not to really have much to talk about. And it's because nothing is going on. The exciting part of my life feels like it's over. College is over. Now I'm just here. Existing. Trying to give myself something to do besides beg for jobs and wait to be called for interviews, I started cleaning out my basement. That was kinda fun, in a weird way. I like organizing, it makes me feel better to take a mess and make it better. Of course, my mother will be flabbergasted to hear that, considering what my room looks like. But my room is organized chaos. The basement was just chaos. It still is, I wasn't able to do much. I just got rid of (or tried to get rid of) some old toys and stuff that I honestly have no attachment too. But with every box I opened, I would sit there and dig through it, remembering when I played with this, or built that, or painted this, or sculpted that... It is nostalgic and a little sad. I miss those days. Childhood was before my depression hit. Childhood is when you can dream anything, be anything and have no responsibilities beyond being a child. I spent a long time just digging through boxes and silently thinking. Don't get me wrong, it felt great to sort though my stuff and get rid of the old junk. We need more room in the basement now that I'm home and have all my college crap.
Solitude. I miss my friends. I don't really have people here. I never had many friends in high school. I've lost touch with anyone I was friendly with through the intervening years. We've all gone our separate ways. Well, now I'm back. And I spend a majority of my time alone. Or with my parents. A large amount of just... me. I'm a great person and all, but I get sick of myself. I'm lonely. Yet I can't even think of what I'd do if I had someone here with me. What would we do? There's not much here. I can't keep going out to the bar or what have you, I don't have that kind of money. I miss college days. I lived with my best friends. We could just watch tv, or chat while I make myself a snack. I realize now that what I miss is the constant, little things. Seeing a friend and stopping to chat on my way to class. Going to a silly event at the student union, and standing in line together. Playing apples to apples with my roommates on a rainy night. I don't want big outings with tons of friends. I miss little interactions with the people I like.
I miss my best friend most of all. This past year, he was able to spend entire weekends with us, hanging in our dorm, going to meals with us, nagging me for falling asleep on him. I spent so much time with him, and now I rarely get to see him at all. He was my stress relief. Now I don't have that. Sure, I can talk to people online and the like, but that isn't the same. I am very alone. I like my solitude, but I need a break once in a while.
I finally got a job. I just started, and I'm really not sure what to think. It's with Vector Marketing, selling Cutco knives.
Just by saying that, so many people get judgmental and make assumptions. My mother even gave me the weirdest look when I said I took the job. I'm trying to remain positive and open minded. Yes, it's marketing. Yes, it's sales. Yes, I go to people's houses and try and sell them knives. It's like being an avon lady. A lot of people say that it's a joke or a scam, that they make promises etc they cant fill, etc etc. But I've been through training, and they make all kinds of claims and assurances. I sit there and they make me feel great, like this is a great opportunity to make money and gather skills. I get in the car to drive home, and the farther I get away, the more I question how true it is. Can I do this? Am I being swindled? Bamboozled? Is the wool being pulled over my eyes with the 10% success rate, while 90% of people try this and fail?
Is it really worth it? I want to say yes. I really really want to think that if I work hard, I can be part of the 10% big success. I made those numbers up, by the way. I really don't know what to think, expect, want. I don't know. I don't know what sorts of goals to set. What expectations to have of myself. I am trying to stay positive. I'm going to give it a try. I am keeping in mind that I am in charge of myself. They aren't in charge of me. If this isn't for me, I can hand in my presentation kit and never go back.
I'm afraid to fail. I think that's what is holding me back from being sure about this job. I really need the money. I really need something to work out for me. And I'm afraid it won't. The lack of confidence from the outside isn't helping that at all. When people say to me that they've heard bad things, or they scoff when I say 'Vector', that doesn't help my mojo. I'm putting a lot of faith in when I can stop bugging people I know, and get into the referrals. People who the friends i've bugged say "You know who might like this?" those people actually might want to hear what I have to say. And might not feel as guilt-tripped into buying from me. I get paid just to show the knives.
Overall, it has been an up and down summer, mostly a gradual slope down with some ups. I know you shouldn't sit and wait for something good to come to you, but I really need something good right now. Some unexpected, surprise upswing. Preferably something romantic. Hahaha. I admit that for my birthday, I daydreamed of receiving a rose in the mail, with a note attached saying "Happy Birthday Emily" and no signature. I know, I know, that's silly. But a girl can dream, right? I have no qualms being single. But I also have no problems being in solitude. Until several weeks of the same pass. That's enough alliterative "s"es today.
Thanks for reading, stay in touch. I'll keep you posted with my musings here on my blog. It's a crazy time. It's a crazy life. The Ramen Noodle Life.
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