Crazy Cleaning

I went cleaning crazy today. I mean I cleaned everything. At first I just wanted to do some laundry, wash my bedsheets to get them nice and fresh, and I was running low on socks and underwear to wear. Then I realized I didn't have much room to maneuver in order to remake my bed because of how messy my room was. Then I was eating pizza with my roommates and I was annoyed by the cup rings on the table. It just escalated to the point were I ache all over and I smell like Clorox, but everything is now shiny and clean.

A lot of things happen this way for me. I go on binges. I'll get involved in an activity and suddenly my entire day has gone and I'm still obsessing over it. I start a video game and I won't stop until I complete the storyline or beat the boss or what have you. A doodle becomes a full-page collage of my innermost feelings. Even last night, all I wanted to do was change my shirt to go to my friend's birthday party, and I ended up spending half an hour deciding on a full-on outfit including hair and make-up. This is all well and good until it comes to some less-than-wholesome activities. I don't just mean alcohol. No, I've felt first hand what happens when I go on an alcohol binge, and I hate it. I'm talking about things like food. Opening a box of cheez-its and suddenly I've eaten the whole box. Or sleep. A ten minute nap becomes two hours.

I guess I have that kind of obsessive personality. Is that a bad thing? I don't think so. I think this quirk about me is what makes me a passionate artist. I love what I do. I love doing it. I throw the whole of my being into things that I enjoy doing. I can't wait to find a job or company where I can do just that- throw myself into it. Work isn't work when you enjoy it like that. But trying to find something I can be passionate about... that's the hard part. I'm not passionate about the search. It can be disheartening to say the least. Sometimes, I just want to give up. To just lay down and say "I'll be a starving artist forever". But then I think about my life without this crazy binge obsession. What kind of life would it be if I couldn't find things that I can obsess over for hours and hours, days and days? Boring. No, I can't ever give up. I'm not a give up kind of person. I see things through 150%.

It's nice to have everything be clean. It's like a fresh start. It makes me feel better. It makes me want to work at my nicely organized desk, sleep my full 8 hours in my freshly laundered bed. And that will give me the drive to find something new to obsess over. Yes, I'd like to get a job. Yes, I'd like to lose some weight. Yes, I'd like to find somewhere to live.

But...

It'd be nice to find a person to be this passionate about.

I was in love once. Obsessively, passionately involved in another person. He was my world. I ate, slept, and breathed for him. I wanted to spend every minute shared with him. When he left me, I felt empty. I felt not myself, because I lost the thing I was binging on before I was ready. I had nothing to obsess over except the ache and the pain.

I want to fall in love again. I feel as if falling in love like that is part of who I am. I need to love, obsessively, passionately love. I love my craft. I love my art. I love theatre. But I want to love someone else, too. Sure, there are lots of people in my life I care about, care very deeply about enough to say I love them. But I want to fall in love that way again. I want to feel like that again.

Or maybe the other way around. I obsess over all kinds of things. I throw my heart at everything. Maybe what I really want is someone to binge on me for a change. To obsess over me, to think of me constantly, to want to share every moment with me.  Someone who will see all the wonderful things about me that I sometimes forget. Someone who is happy when I'm happy, comforting when I am sad, strong when I am weak, and trustworthy when I am vulnerable.

This time of life is really difficult. My entire future changes every day. It's chaos and uncertainty. It can really throw you for a loop. If I had someone to share it with, maybe it wouldn't be so scary. Because no matter what happens with my career and life, I'd have them to throw my heart into. I'd have them to obsess over, because I need something to attach my floating heart to, or I'd just drift into the oblivion.

I'm feeling very housewife-y with all the cleaning. The burning smell of clean is making my mind go into a fog. Or maybe the clean is making me feel fresh and new. A new adult. Ready for change. Ready for stability in an unstable world.